It’s a bit difficult for me to write this down, but I am moved to share this with you, my beloved brothers and sisters. So please bear with me.

Some background…
I am currently finishing up my 2nd master degree, majoring in Direct Marketing. Prior to this, I have completed my MBA. The reason for me to do so is another story.

Anyway, the thing is that I had such a hard time with my program director ever since I joined this program. I mean, really. If you were to ask me to describe my relationship with her, the best I can say is that I totally appreciated what Paul mentioned in 2 Corinthians12:7. I cannot think of a single incident that I spoke to her and not get discouraged. The most unbearable part is, though, whenever I had conversation with her– whether it’s about school work or job seeking– she always like to remind me that how disappointed she is toward my performance in class. “You had an MBA, and I expected you to raise your hand all the time, but you didn’t do that.”

I had explained to her that I found public speaking challenging in a group conversation setting like that. I tend to be more conscious about my speaking (especially in English), and unless I feel my point is absolutely valid, I tend to just listen and wait. But of course, my argument did not appeal to her. So when I had her class one year ago, despite that I pretty much did 80% of the work for all the group projects, she did not even grade based on peer evaluations, and eventually I got the lowest grade among my team members. I felt that she just didn’t care about me, didn’t value my work, and didn’t like me. After a couple times with similar incidents, I started to avoid having any contact with her.

I know my attitude toward her was not pleasing in God’s eyes. The Bible states clearly, we should love, obey, and pray for the authority that we are under. Many times I have to cry out to God, telling Him that it’s REALLY difficult try to pray for a person that you I dislike (and who dislike me). Not to mention to Love her.

So the story goes on, now that I am in my last semester of school and working on my capstone project under her. Throughout the semester, I worked hard on my project, but I again tried to avoid having conversations with her unless necessary.

then…What happened today?
Okay, today I HAD to talk to her because as we are in the process of wrapping up our project, I need to talk to her with regards to my project status. To my surprise, the first thing she mentioned to me is that “I am very concerned about your work, because you performed badly this semester.”

“I am surprised that you said so, because based on the comments I receive back from you on my papers, I thought I am doing okay” I pointed out some paper that she wrote “excellent” to her and said.

“Oh, you know, you just didn’t speak during the class AT ALL, you know that’s part of your grade…”

“I know I may not speak a lot, but you know in such a big class, people just raised their hand and talk, sometimes I didn’t even get a chance to speak even if I wanted to” I tried to argue.

“Well, that might be true, but you had an MBA (oh no, the MBA theory again)… and you have a lot more experience academically (how come she has to emphasis on ‘academically’ every single time? To implied that my working experience in Taiwan is useless?) … so I anticipated that you would contribute more, but you did not…”

“Moreover, you never tried to make an appointment with me during the semester and discuss your paper with me”.

So anyway, I left the meeting, feeling totally unjustified and unfair. There are so many words that I left unsaid. I wanted to ask her that if a regular appointment with her is not required, why did I felt my performance was judged by it? I wanted to ask her why does she always making fun of my MBA, why she has to show favoritism so obviously towards her “elite few/star” students: Those who actively make appointments and discuss with her every detail of their project?

What God revealed to me

Fed up with so many negative emotions, I knew I had to come before God and..repent. Although my head knows about all His teachings, my heart felt deeply distressed… I asked Him to change my heart and my attitude so that I will not try to seek justification, even when I felt I have reason to do so. I told Him that I know He is trying to deal with my heart, and I am willing to be broken…

Then He started to talk to me. As usual , with such a gentle voice He said:

I want to use this situation to let you know that …yes, she maybe showing favor to those students who constantly seek her guidance and communicat with her. And even if you tried hard and had good work, she may not appreciate it because she may not even see or care.

I want you to learn that I am showing my heart to you through her. I don’t really care about how much work you have done and how good you did it. All I want for you is to stay close to me, talk to me, and seek for my guidance through every step of you life. I don’t want you to try depending on yourself, I am here to help you, and I want to be close to your heart.

But first, you have to open your heart and allow me to be close to you. Spend time with me, talk to me, even when sometimes you don’t think it’s necessary, or you felt that you just don’t have enough time to do so.

Unstoppable tears flow over my face, and kneeling down quietly in the dark, I let Him cleanse my heart and wash away all my sins and hurts and pains…