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It’s a bit difficult for me to write this down, but I am moved to share this with you, my beloved brothers and sisters. So please bear with me.
Some background…
I am currently finishing up my 2nd master degree, majoring in Direct Marketing. Prior to this, I have completed my MBA. The reason for me to do so is another story.
Anyway, the thing is that I had such a hard time with my program director ever since I joined this program. I mean, really. If you were to ask me to describe my relationship with her, the best I can say is that I totally appreciated what Paul mentioned in 2 Corinthians12:7. I cannot think of a single incident that I spoke to her and not get discouraged. The most unbearable part is, though, whenever I had conversation with her– whether it’s about school work or job seeking– she always like to remind me that how disappointed she is toward my performance in class. “You had an MBA, and I expected you to raise your hand all the time, but you didn’t do that.”
I had explained to her that I found public speaking challenging in a group conversation setting like that. I tend to be more conscious about my speaking (especially in English), and unless I feel my point is absolutely valid, I tend to just listen and wait. But of course, my argument did not appeal to her. So when I had her class one year ago, despite that I pretty much did 80% of the work for all the group projects, she did not even grade based on peer evaluations, and eventually I got the lowest grade among my team members. I felt that she just didn’t care about me, didn’t value my work, and didn’t like me. After a couple times with similar incidents, I started to avoid having any contact with her.
I know my attitude toward her was not pleasing in God’s eyes. The Bible states clearly, we should love, obey, and pray for the authority that we are under. Many times I have to cry out to God, telling Him that it’s REALLY difficult try to pray for a person that you I dislike (and who dislike me). Not to mention to Love her.
So the story goes on, now that I am in my last semester of school and working on my capstone project under her. Throughout the semester, I worked hard on my project, but I again tried to avoid having conversations with her unless necessary.
then…What happened today?
Okay, today I HAD to talk to her because as we are in the process of wrapping up our project, I need to talk to her with regards to my project status. To my surprise, the first thing she mentioned to me is that “I am very concerned about your work, because you performed badly this semester.”
“I am surprised that you said so, because based on the comments I receive back from you on my papers, I thought I am doing okay” I pointed out some paper that she wrote “excellent” to her and said.
“Oh, you know, you just didn’t speak during the class AT ALL, you know that’s part of your grade…”
“I know I may not speak a lot, but you know in such a big class, people just raised their hand and talk, sometimes I didn’t even get a chance to speak even if I wanted to” I tried to argue.
“Well, that might be true, but you had an MBA (oh no, the MBA theory again)… and you have a lot more experience academically (how come she has to emphasis on ‘academically’ every single time? To implied that my working experience in Taiwan is useless?) … so I anticipated that you would contribute more, but you did not…”
“Moreover, you never tried to make an appointment with me during the semester and discuss your paper with me”.
So anyway, I left the meeting, feeling totally unjustified and unfair. There are so many words that I left unsaid. I wanted to ask her that if a regular appointment with her is not required, why did I felt my performance was judged by it? I wanted to ask her why does she always making fun of my MBA, why she has to show favoritism so obviously towards her “elite few/star” students: Those who actively make appointments and discuss with her every detail of their project?
What God revealed to me
Fed up with so many negative emotions, I knew I had to come before God and..repent. Although my head knows about all His teachings, my heart felt deeply distressed… I asked Him to change my heart and my attitude so that I will not try to seek justification, even when I felt I have reason to do so. I told Him that I know He is trying to deal with my heart, and I am willing to be broken…
Then He started to talk to me. As usual , with such a gentle voice He said:
I want to use this situation to let you know that …yes, she maybe showing favor to those students who constantly seek her guidance and communicat with her. And even if you tried hard and had good work, she may not appreciate it because she may not even see or care.
I want you to learn that I am showing my heart to you through her. I don’t really care about how much work you have done and how good you did it. All I want for you is to stay close to me, talk to me, and seek for my guidance through every step of you life. I don’t want you to try depending on yourself, I am here to help you, and I want to be close to your heart.
But first, you have to open your heart and allow me to be close to you. Spend time with me, talk to me, even when sometimes you don’t think it’s necessary, or you felt that you just don’t have enough time to do so.
Unstoppable tears flow over my face, and kneeling down quietly in the dark, I let Him cleanse my heart and wash away all my sins and hurts and pains…
Some of you may already know that Colin and I got engaged on Friday(March 30th).
He surprised me by proposing to me in the middle of the Central Park, when we were on the way to his father’s Birthday dinner at Tavern on the Green. (And of course, later on I realized that there was no Birthday dinner, it was just a plot that Colin had set up).
What I want to share with you though, is about the ring.
This past Sunday, I wanted to pick up something in Bed Bath & Beyond. As usual, I put up my cozy jeans and clogs. But right before I stepped out of the door, I glimpsed the ring on my finger, and hesitated. The ring looks so bright and shiny, and obviously does not match my outfit. I started to wondering what would people think if they see a sloppy girl with such a ring…
Who is the guy that is going to marry this girl? What is he thinking? Doesn’t that ring look too good on her ?…
Feeling that Colin would be unfairly “judged” based on my look, I quickly went back to my room, and put on a nice skirt and sandals. And as I was laughing at myself for trying to look “suitable” to wear this ring, the Holy Spirit gently reminded me..
“You know that when you received the love from Jesus, He not only gives you the ring, He also put a beautiful crown on your head with glory and honor. And yes, because you are His royal bride, people will judge Him based on you…”
With a silent sigh, I prayed: My beloved Jesus, I will try as hard to live a life suitable for the ring and the crown that you gave me, so that all the glory, honor, and praise that you deserved will be given back to you…
Pastor Mike Bickle, in his teaching of Song of the Songs, once said: Measuring whether you are in or out, better or worse, higher or lower is an absolute distraction to growing in the love of God…I just simply say YES to the Lord in the present tense.
It’s interesting for me, once again, to realize that the kingdom of the world and the kingdom of God indeed operate in a total opposite direction.
We (I mean, everyone of us) measure, or are being measured, in virtually everything in every piece of our life. The results of all these measurements are then put into comparison…so that we will know (or to be told) whether we are better or worse, whether we are success or failure, whether we are a breed of elite or of mediocrity.
We have became so performance driven and , so measurement driven.
I am not trying to argue that measuring and monetizing our performance/results are wrong. In my field of study (Direct & Interactive Marketing), measurement is actually a necessity of a business. As customer’s information/responses can be easily collected and tracked, people in direct marketing can virtually measure everything. However, as every direct marketer would say: Be careful about what your are measuring…because you tend to get what you measure.
Simply put, what to measure depends on the objectives of the business or campaign. In other words, we always need to identify the objectives first before we set up the metrics such that we can build a metrics coherent to objectives.
Now let’s apply the same concept into our lives: If we were to measure ourselves or others, we have to first identify what’s the objective of my, yours, or another’s life. And here is the thing:
1. As everyone is so uniquely delivered to the earth (I mean, the look, the size, the ethics, the family background etc.), it’s very obvious that every individual carries different objectives and goals for their life.
2. And if every individual has a unique purpose for life, it becomes of little meaning to compare one to another.
3. Again, if today and tomorrow are equally unique in our life, it becomes of little meaning to compare one day to the other.
4. Besides, how can we know what to measure and what to compare if we do not first figure out what is the purpose of our own lives …
P.S. …So instead of wasting time to measure and to compare and to justify my performance, maybe it makes more sense for me to just say Yes to Him and follow Him..then someday along the journey, I will realize my own purpose and objectives…
The bottom line is, all we have is the present moment. All we can rejoice about, including mercy, grace, peace, we can only rejoice in the present tense. Make sense?!
