Just to be with you…

I cried every time listening to this song…

I’ve heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I’ve never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of Calvary

Just to be with you, I’ll do anything
There’s no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I’ll give anything
I would give my life away.
I’ve heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
All of those dreams are an empty notion
It can never be done
I’ve never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea

Just to be with you, I’ll do anything
There’s no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I’d give everything
I would give my life away.

I know that you don’t understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don’t realize
how much that I’d give you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

-by ThirdDay Love Song

Just to be me

Even since I came back to God’s house, I have been on a journey of finding out what I should do, and where I should go..Aka, what is my lifelong calling.

More specifically, I have been trying very hard to ask God to use me, to take me to wherever He wants me to go and do whatever He wants me to do.

All my wishes are good and sincere, only that there has been one slight problem… He says: I want you to be who you are first.

What do you mean “who I am”? Don’t you think I don’t know who I am? I having been with myself all my life ( although many times unwillingly)… I KNOW who I am!

Using his gentle voice, He again reminds me: “Just come to me as the way you truly are. Don’t put on any spiritual make-up. Don’t try to know me as other people taught you…I want you to know me yourself, in your own way.”

I could not argue with Him any longer, as I slowly realized that I don’t really know who I am.

Throughout all my life, I was probably trying harder to be someone else than to be myself. I have tried so hard to meet everybody’s’ expectations for so long… to the point that I don’t even know who I really am anymore. And now, saved by Him, then, I have an even greater opportunity to”start over” and to leave all the past behind.

“But that’s not how the Kingdom works, my daughter”, He says.

The truth is, who I was shapes what I am now. The hidden wounds, hurts, pains, shames, and regrets– that I thought had been dumped behind my back somewhere along my journey– are actually part of me. So as long as I don’t feel comfortable to be me or embrace myself, as long as I still put the phony mask on, I don’t know who I really am. And if I don’t know who I really am, I can not go to Him as who I am.

With whom He desires to have relationship is ME. Nothing more and nothing less.

Nonetheless to say, He knows me better than I do. But with all His patience and compassion, He is waiting for me to discover who I really am such that I can start to be the one He created me to be, and start to walk on the destiny that He set up for me.

So drying my tears, I stand up and say Yes to Him one more time: “Yes I am willing to let Holy Spirit to examine the darkest part of my heart, to reveal the deepest wound in my heart, so that You can start to heal my wounds and that I will love to be me, again.”