Have been waiting for my PMA (healing and deliverance personal ministry appointment), finally today is the day.

The pastor started by asking me whether there is something that I have been struggling with lately.

“The walk with Him just fluctuated so much, I could feel so close to Him and sense His presence so strongly one day, and don’t even want to talk to Him the other day… ” I quickly replied. This has been my one greatest struggle for the past year. Although I felt that I desperately need Him, I also felt I am no where close to Him as I would have hoped.

After more discussion, Pastor felt that he need to take me back to my mother’s womb when I was first conceived. From my prior training in healing and deliverance, I understand that many of the hurts/wounds that all of us have encountered may start as early as conception..

The manner in which we were conceived, and how the news of your conception was received, determines our initial sense of welcome into this world. The way you were welcomed in turn influences the way you relate to people for the rest of your life. By the same token, the seeds of rejection can also be sown at conception…which in turn maybe some cause of over- sensitivity, or sense of not belonging…(The Power of Blessing, p58.)

To make a long story short, while pastor was guiding me going through my first 3 months of conception, I burst out shouting with a lot of anger toward Jesus (which was totally to my surprise). Fed up with angry, betrayal in my spirit, I spoke in tongues non-stop for 5 minutes (and although I didn’t know what I was talking, I sensed those words are definitely not pleasant to hear). Finally, I just told Him that I felt I was tricked by Him, because He knew I would have say yes to Him and come to the earth, and He knew all the things that I would have to go through, but He still asked me to come!! “Smarty %$#” My heart shout out.

Without any intention of arguing with me, Jesus just looked right into my eye and took all the blame: I am so sorry.

With absolute sense of His presence and embrace, I just sobbed uncontrollably, as if I can cry out all the pains and hurts that hidden in my heart all these years. Finally He said: But as I promised, I found you, isn’t it? Although you have to go through so many years of troubles and wondering, you are with me now..and that’s all it matters…

“Yes I know”. I told Him. From my heart I knew that because of Him, I finally feel that I have a home to go back to, that I belong to someone somewhere, finally, I am Abba’s child…

So I forgive you, I thank you, and…I still love you, my Jesus.