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I was trying to do some research online, and came across a news from Taiwan that one of the actress has just died from an car accidient.
She was only 28.
What stuck me, though, is how her fans and media react to this tragic accident. All over the place, media reported the gossip stories regarding her love life and her “inevitable” fate of death. The stories about how she had suffered through many broken relationships; how she, out of desparation, sought for love life and career guidence from a Taoist master; how the master had warned her about this coming “fate”…All those fotune telling stuff.
Looking at her photogragh on the news, I felt compassion for her: Such a pretty and young girl. I cannot imagine how her firends and family would feel like. Sight heavily in my heart, I cannot imageine how I would feel like… if I were her friend.
I cannot help myself to wonder how I would feel if my friends/fmailies have lost their lifes before they get a chance to meet the Lord.
The world(Taiwan) that I came from is a place full of idoltry, and my story is no differnt than hers. In my memory, there always has been a big hole in my heart. A hole of loniness, dark and deep, crying out for love. Struggling with the relationship with my parents and several broken relationships, I sought for every possible ways to fill that hole in my heart: Fortune telling, Taoist, Buddism, or even more boy friends… but nothing works.
Not until I was touched by His love, and started to work in my journey of healing.
And now as a Christain, I knew I ought to bring the souls that I love to Him, just as my friends brought me to Him. And yet facing all the challenges in day-to-day life, it’s so easy to get loose and lazy. Excuses such as “There is still time” “I would get a chance to pray for her/him later” “maybe next time” come up so effortlessly.
But life is so short and eternity is so long.
And for people who have acrossed the path of my life, I never know how long I can be with or of influnce to them. What if there is no “next time”? What if there is no tomorrow? What if I lost my chance to bring the light into their life? How would I cope with the lost for the eternity? How would I cope with the guilt and regret?
Have been waiting for my PMA (healing and deliverance personal ministry appointment), finally today is the day.
The pastor started by asking me whether there is something that I have been struggling with lately.
“The walk with Him just fluctuated so much, I could feel so close to Him and sense His presence so strongly one day, and don’t even want to talk to Him the other day… ” I quickly replied. This has been my one greatest struggle for the past year. Although I felt that I desperately need Him, I also felt I am no where close to Him as I would have hoped.
After more discussion, Pastor felt that he need to take me back to my mother’s womb when I was first conceived. From my prior training in healing and deliverance, I understand that many of the hurts/wounds that all of us have encountered may start as early as conception..
The manner in which we were conceived, and how the news of your conception was received, determines our initial sense of welcome into this world. The way you were welcomed in turn influences the way you relate to people for the rest of your life. By the same token, the seeds of rejection can also be sown at conception…which in turn maybe some cause of over- sensitivity, or sense of not belonging…(The Power of Blessing, p58.)
To make a long story short, while pastor was guiding me going through my first 3 months of conception, I burst out shouting with a lot of anger toward Jesus (which was totally to my surprise). Fed up with angry, betrayal in my spirit, I spoke in tongues non-stop for 5 minutes (and although I didn’t know what I was talking, I sensed those words are definitely not pleasant to hear). Finally, I just told Him that I felt I was tricked by Him, because He knew I would have say yes to Him and come to the earth, and He knew all the things that I would have to go through, but He still asked me to come!! “Smarty %$#” My heart shout out.
Without any intention of arguing with me, Jesus just looked right into my eye and took all the blame: I am so sorry.
With absolute sense of His presence and embrace, I just sobbed uncontrollably, as if I can cry out all the pains and hurts that hidden in my heart all these years. Finally He said: But as I promised, I found you, isn’t it? Although you have to go through so many years of troubles and wondering, you are with me now..and that’s all it matters…
“Yes I know”. I told Him. From my heart I knew that because of Him, I finally feel that I have a home to go back to, that I belong to someone somewhere, finally, I am Abba’s child…
So I forgive you, I thank you, and…I still love you, my Jesus.
