The garden of Good and Evil

Had a conversation with my friend about Christianity 2 days ago, and she asked: how about those good people but don’t know the Lord, would they go the hell?

This question rise up in my heart again just tonight… and here are some of my thoughts.

First of all, to answer the question we have to define”good”, or “goodness”.

So I went on to research for the definition, and here is one common definition that I found…

goodness – moral excellence or admirableness

okay, now let’s take a close look at moral excellence. For a person to be good person, she/he should be in a moral condition of excelling or superiority. so we would like to think if there are some doing more good, or showing good character, then others, then we would consider them to be more of good person than the rest.

However, we tends to forgot who holds the measurement of goodness. God is the ultimate judge, not us. and with his measurement, which is absolute holy/righteousness, all the wrong doings are just purely wrong, as all the sins are just sins. There is no sin better than other sins, as there are no evil worse than other evils. So for a person to lie is as evil as for a person to prostitute, as evil as for a person to talking behind other’s back, and as evil as for a person to kill or to rape.

The bottom line is, there is just no one, not even one, can stand before God and claim that he/she is a “good” person. sadly to say, we have to recognize that we are just as filthy as we can be in our hearts and in our actions.

So going back to our very first question, now you can see where I am going… there is no one is good, or good enough, to be able to pass God’s holy judgment; as a result, there is only one road leads to redemption, there is only one way leads to heaven, and there is only one Jesus can bring us out from our misery failure of trying to be good.

Make sense?!

Created to Worship

This is my prayer today…

Jesus, I come to you again, and I dedicate my whole life to you

all that I am, all that I ever be, everyone I know, everyone I love, everything I like, all my possessions, my history, and my destiny, I give them to you.

It’s not a lot, but it’s all I have. And I deticate my life to serve you first, to love you the most, and to becoming a worshiper that pleases you

That’s my heart today, and I rededicate myself to this end.

The essence of obedience

It’s a bit difficult for me to write this down, but I am moved to share this with you, my beloved brothers and sisters. So please bear with me.

Some background…
I am currently finishing up my 2nd master degree, majoring in Direct Marketing. Prior to this, I have completed my MBA. The reason for me to do so is another story.

Anyway, the thing is that I had such a hard time with my program director ever since I joined this program. I mean, really. If you were to ask me to describe my relationship with her, the best I can say is that I totally appreciated what Paul mentioned in 2 Corinthians12:7. I cannot think of a single incident that I spoke to her and not get discouraged. The most unbearable part is, though, whenever I had conversation with her– whether it’s about school work or job seeking– she always like to remind me that how disappointed she is toward my performance in class. “You had an MBA, and I expected you to raise your hand all the time, but you didn’t do that.”

I had explained to her that I found public speaking challenging in a group conversation setting like that. I tend to be more conscious about my speaking (especially in English), and unless I feel my point is absolutely valid, I tend to just listen and wait. But of course, my argument did not appeal to her. So when I had her class one year ago, despite that I pretty much did 80% of the work for all the group projects, she did not even grade based on peer evaluations, and eventually I got the lowest grade among my team members. I felt that she just didn’t care about me, didn’t value my work, and didn’t like me. After a couple times with similar incidents, I started to avoid having any contact with her.

I know my attitude toward her was not pleasing in God’s eyes. The Bible states clearly, we should love, obey, and pray for the authority that we are under. Many times I have to cry out to God, telling Him that it’s REALLY difficult try to pray for a person that you I dislike (and who dislike me). Not to mention to Love her.

So the story goes on, now that I am in my last semester of school and working on my capstone project under her. Throughout the semester, I worked hard on my project, but I again tried to avoid having conversations with her unless necessary.

then…What happened today?
Okay, today I HAD to talk to her because as we are in the process of wrapping up our project, I need to talk to her with regards to my project status. To my surprise, the first thing she mentioned to me is that “I am very concerned about your work, because you performed badly this semester.”

“I am surprised that you said so, because based on the comments I receive back from you on my papers, I thought I am doing okay” I pointed out some paper that she wrote “excellent” to her and said.

“Oh, you know, you just didn’t speak during the class AT ALL, you know that’s part of your grade…”

“I know I may not speak a lot, but you know in such a big class, people just raised their hand and talk, sometimes I didn’t even get a chance to speak even if I wanted to” I tried to argue.

“Well, that might be true, but you had an MBA (oh no, the MBA theory again)… and you have a lot more experience academically (how come she has to emphasis on ‘academically’ every single time? To implied that my working experience in Taiwan is useless?) … so I anticipated that you would contribute more, but you did not…”

“Moreover, you never tried to make an appointment with me during the semester and discuss your paper with me”.

So anyway, I left the meeting, feeling totally unjustified and unfair. There are so many words that I left unsaid. I wanted to ask her that if a regular appointment with her is not required, why did I felt my performance was judged by it? I wanted to ask her why does she always making fun of my MBA, why she has to show favoritism so obviously towards her “elite few/star” students: Those who actively make appointments and discuss with her every detail of their project?

What God revealed to me

Fed up with so many negative emotions, I knew I had to come before God and..repent. Although my head knows about all His teachings, my heart felt deeply distressed… I asked Him to change my heart and my attitude so that I will not try to seek justification, even when I felt I have reason to do so. I told Him that I know He is trying to deal with my heart, and I am willing to be broken…

Then He started to talk to me. As usual , with such a gentle voice He said:

I want to use this situation to let you know that …yes, she maybe showing favor to those students who constantly seek her guidance and communicat with her. And even if you tried hard and had good work, she may not appreciate it because she may not even see or care.

I want you to learn that I am showing my heart to you through her. I don’t really care about how much work you have done and how good you did it. All I want for you is to stay close to me, talk to me, and seek for my guidance through every step of you life. I don’t want you to try depending on yourself, I am here to help you, and I want to be close to your heart.

But first, you have to open your heart and allow me to be close to you. Spend time with me, talk to me, even when sometimes you don’t think it’s necessary, or you felt that you just don’t have enough time to do so.

Unstoppable tears flow over my face, and kneeling down quietly in the dark, I let Him cleanse my heart and wash away all my sins and hurts and pains…

Engagement Ring

Some of you may already know that Colin and I got engaged on Friday(March 30th).

He surprised me by proposing to me in the middle of the Central Park, when we were on the way to his father’s Birthday dinner at Tavern on the Green. (And of course, later on I realized that there was no Birthday dinner, it was just a plot that Colin had set up).

What I want to share with you though, is about the ring.

This past Sunday, I wanted to pick up something in Bed Bath & Beyond. As usual, I put up my cozy jeans and clogs. But right before I stepped out of the door, I glimpsed the ring on my finger, and hesitated. The ring looks so bright and shiny, and obviously does not match my outfit. I started to wondering what would people think if they see a sloppy girl with such a ring…

Who is the guy that is going to marry this girl? What is he thinking? Doesn’t that ring look too good on her ?…

Feeling that Colin would be unfairly “judged” based on my look, I quickly went back to my room, and put on a nice skirt and sandals. And as I was laughing at myself for trying to look “suitable” to wear this ring, the Holy Spirit gently reminded me..

“You know that when you received the love from Jesus, He not only gives you the ring, He also put a beautiful crown on your head with glory and honor. And yes, because you are His royal bride, people will judge Him based on you…”

With a silent sigh, I prayed: My beloved Jesus, I will try as hard to live a life suitable for the ring and the crown that you gave me, so that all the glory, honor, and praise that you deserved will be given back to you…

Stop measuring the wrong stuff!

Pastor Mike Bickle, in his teaching of Song of the Songs, once said: Measuring whether you are in or out, better or worse, higher or lower is an absolute distraction to growing in the love of God…I just simply say YES to the Lord in the present tense.

It’s interesting for me, once again, to realize that the kingdom of the world and the kingdom of God indeed operate in a total opposite direction.

We (I mean, everyone of us) measure, or are being measured, in virtually everything in every piece of our life. The results of all these measurements are then put into comparison…so that we will know (or to be told) whether we are better or worse, whether we are success or failure, whether we are a breed of elite or of mediocrity.

We have became so performance driven and , so measurement driven.

I am not trying to argue that measuring and monetizing our performance/results are wrong. In my field of study (Direct & Interactive Marketing), measurement is actually a necessity of a business. As customer’s information/responses can be easily collected and tracked, people in direct marketing can virtually measure everything. However, as every direct marketer would say: Be careful about what your are measuring…because you tend to get what you measure.

Simply put, what to measure depends on the objectives of the business or campaign. In other words, we always need to identify the objectives first before we set up the metrics such that we can build a metrics coherent to objectives.

Now let’s apply the same concept into our lives: If we were to measure ourselves or others, we have to first identify what’s the objective of my, yours, or another’s life. And here is the thing:

1. As everyone is so uniquely delivered to the earth (I mean, the look, the size, the ethics, the family background etc.), it’s very obvious that every individual carries different objectives and goals for their life.

2. And if every individual has a unique purpose for life, it becomes of little meaning to compare one to another.

3. Again, if today and tomorrow are equally unique in our life, it becomes of little meaning to compare one day to the other.

4. Besides, how can we know what to measure and what to compare if we do not first figure out what is the purpose of our own lives …

P.S. …So instead of wasting time to measure and to compare and to justify my performance, maybe it makes more sense for me to just say Yes to Him and follow Him..then someday along the journey, I will realize my own purpose and objectives…

The bottom line is, all we have is the present moment. All we can rejoice about, including mercy, grace, peace, we can only rejoice in the present tense. Make sense?!

Just to be with you…

I cried every time listening to this song…

I’ve heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I’ve never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of Calvary

Just to be with you, I’ll do anything
There’s no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I’ll give anything
I would give my life away.
I’ve heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
All of those dreams are an empty notion
It can never be done
I’ve never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea

Just to be with you, I’ll do anything
There’s no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I’d give everything
I would give my life away.

I know that you don’t understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don’t realize
how much that I’d give you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

-by ThirdDay Love Song

Just to be me

Even since I came back to God’s house, I have been on a journey of finding out what I should do, and where I should go..Aka, what is my lifelong calling.

More specifically, I have been trying very hard to ask God to use me, to take me to wherever He wants me to go and do whatever He wants me to do.

All my wishes are good and sincere, only that there has been one slight problem… He says: I want you to be who you are first.

What do you mean “who I am”? Don’t you think I don’t know who I am? I having been with myself all my life ( although many times unwillingly)… I KNOW who I am!

Using his gentle voice, He again reminds me: “Just come to me as the way you truly are. Don’t put on any spiritual make-up. Don’t try to know me as other people taught you…I want you to know me yourself, in your own way.”

I could not argue with Him any longer, as I slowly realized that I don’t really know who I am.

Throughout all my life, I was probably trying harder to be someone else than to be myself. I have tried so hard to meet everybody’s’ expectations for so long… to the point that I don’t even know who I really am anymore. And now, saved by Him, then, I have an even greater opportunity to”start over” and to leave all the past behind.

“But that’s not how the Kingdom works, my daughter”, He says.

The truth is, who I was shapes what I am now. The hidden wounds, hurts, pains, shames, and regrets– that I thought had been dumped behind my back somewhere along my journey– are actually part of me. So as long as I don’t feel comfortable to be me or embrace myself, as long as I still put the phony mask on, I don’t know who I really am. And if I don’t know who I really am, I can not go to Him as who I am.

With whom He desires to have relationship is ME. Nothing more and nothing less.

Nonetheless to say, He knows me better than I do. But with all His patience and compassion, He is waiting for me to discover who I really am such that I can start to be the one He created me to be, and start to walk on the destiny that He set up for me.

So drying my tears, I stand up and say Yes to Him one more time: “Yes I am willing to let Holy Spirit to examine the darkest part of my heart, to reveal the deepest wound in my heart, so that You can start to heal my wounds and that I will love to be me, again.”

Wake up call

I was trying to do some research online, and came across a news from Taiwan that one of the actress has just died from an car accidient.

She was only 28.

What stuck me, though, is how her fans and media react to this tragic accident. All over the place, media reported the gossip stories regarding her love life and her “inevitable” fate of death. The stories about how she had suffered through many broken relationships; how she, out of desparation, sought for love life and career guidence from a Taoist master; how the master had warned her about this coming “fate”…All those fotune telling stuff.

Looking at her photogragh on the news, I felt compassion for her: Such a pretty and young girl. I cannot imagine how her firends and family would feel like. Sight heavily in my heart, I cannot imageine how I would feel like… if I were her friend.

I cannot help myself to wonder how I would feel if my friends/fmailies have lost their lifes before they get a chance to meet the Lord.

The world(Taiwan) that I came from is a place full of idoltry, and my story is no differnt than hers. In my memory, there always has been a big hole in my heart. A hole of loniness, dark and deep, crying out for love. Struggling with the relationship with my parents and several broken relationships, I sought for every possible ways to fill that hole in my heart: Fortune telling, Taoist, Buddism, or even more boy friends… but nothing works.

Not until I was touched by His love, and started to work in my journey of healing.

And now as a Christain, I knew I ought to bring the souls that I love to Him, just as my friends brought me to Him. And yet facing all the challenges in day-to-day life, it’s so easy to get loose and lazy. Excuses such as “There is still time” “I would get a chance to pray for her/him later” “maybe next time” come up so effortlessly.

But life is so short and eternity is so long.

And for people who have acrossed the path of my life, I never know how long I can be with or of influnce to them. What if there is no “next time”? What if there is no tomorrow? What if I lost my chance to bring the light into their life? How would I cope with the lost for the eternity? How would I cope with the guilt and regret?

Abba’s child

Have been waiting for my PMA (healing and deliverance personal ministry appointment), finally today is the day.

The pastor started by asking me whether there is something that I have been struggling with lately.

“The walk with Him just fluctuated so much, I could feel so close to Him and sense His presence so strongly one day, and don’t even want to talk to Him the other day… ” I quickly replied. This has been my one greatest struggle for the past year. Although I felt that I desperately need Him, I also felt I am no where close to Him as I would have hoped.

After more discussion, Pastor felt that he need to take me back to my mother’s womb when I was first conceived. From my prior training in healing and deliverance, I understand that many of the hurts/wounds that all of us have encountered may start as early as conception..

The manner in which we were conceived, and how the news of your conception was received, determines our initial sense of welcome into this world. The way you were welcomed in turn influences the way you relate to people for the rest of your life. By the same token, the seeds of rejection can also be sown at conception…which in turn maybe some cause of over- sensitivity, or sense of not belonging…(The Power of Blessing, p58.)

To make a long story short, while pastor was guiding me going through my first 3 months of conception, I burst out shouting with a lot of anger toward Jesus (which was totally to my surprise). Fed up with angry, betrayal in my spirit, I spoke in tongues non-stop for 5 minutes (and although I didn’t know what I was talking, I sensed those words are definitely not pleasant to hear). Finally, I just told Him that I felt I was tricked by Him, because He knew I would have say yes to Him and come to the earth, and He knew all the things that I would have to go through, but He still asked me to come!! “Smarty %$#” My heart shout out.

Without any intention of arguing with me, Jesus just looked right into my eye and took all the blame: I am so sorry.

With absolute sense of His presence and embrace, I just sobbed uncontrollably, as if I can cry out all the pains and hurts that hidden in my heart all these years. Finally He said: But as I promised, I found you, isn’t it? Although you have to go through so many years of troubles and wondering, you are with me now..and that’s all it matters…

“Yes I know”. I told Him. From my heart I knew that because of Him, I finally feel that I have a home to go back to, that I belong to someone somewhere, finally, I am Abba’s child…

So I forgive you, I thank you, and…I still love you, my Jesus.

Final Project_MSF brochure

Below is a MSF brocure that I designed as my final project.